The Extinguisher - Part II
Monday, November 09, 2009

The Extinguisher- Part I.

Back then, she was told that, she had her share of human failings and contradictions —someone who was driven, brilliant, interesting, intriguing, belligerent, cruel, impudent, and ultimately self-destructive. She shunned away the closer someone got to her, and yet was the one who knocked on closed doors and broke their walls. Until, one day when she seemingly vanished from the radar and the walls on the other side became invisible and impregnable. She imagined the walls being fortified with something venomous as a means of self-preservation, often dreaming of surviving it, and yet being too afraid to touch.

In life there are a few people or places, or maybe just one, when something happened. And then there are other people and other places, which are just the others. She weaved endless reams of words with that person – school, people, books, history, science, life, anything. They seemed rather too alike- like her best friend, her inner voice, her conscience, her alter ego and her virtual shrink. She was so much a part of that someone, and yet she was not. She was more of a general audience, a cliché, like a pop fiction reader, not the classic or complex types. She had lacked the patience for the niceties in general, having cultivated them only recently. She often attributed her upbringing as the reason. A misplaced blame. In the past, she might have tried them, or tried to try them, even re-tried them, but she learnt to cherish them only after meeting this person. But for someone, books were important. A part of not only being smart, but cultured. Not that this person was a snob. It was a part of becoming better, a quest for knowledge and wisdom. She often came across people who expressed that they wanted to become a better person. She wondered if it was supposed to be better than her or just better than now. But she did like the innocence, and the sense of adult benevolence it gave her.

She wasn’t curious, didn’t like or trust others as much as someone did. Many a times, she felt her ways of thinking were smaller. She knew that she hadn’t been entirely honest about her own tastes when they first met. When she cringed at her own smallness and triviality as she watched the colour drain from the face during conversations, she couldn’t hold up much longer. It would be wrong to take advantage of someone. But can companionship ever be just one sided? Wouldn't it be better not to be tied down, when the world was still out there, with its many chances and adventures. But she realized she couldn’t move away. Because, even when among friends she missed the strange and direct way someone talked to her. They always touched her heart, those brilliant compositions, that photographic memory. At times she didn’t even remember her doleful labyrinths. But she was always reminded of them. She wasn’t retentive that way. She hoped that soon enough she would become a mistake and that she could live with it. She counted the signs of retreat- impatience, condescension and a certain weariness. They came, but vanished in an instant. She knew she wasn’t who she was going to be. She was quirky with her fears and a heady mixture of immaturity- cheery, restless and undignified. At times, she felt that no one would recognize or even want to know of her. She came across as a stranger, an alien. She was once told that someone would wait on this earth, even if she went to outer space, in one of the touching compositions dedicated to her. Her favorite one was on how she would become a favorite and cherished book. She often wondered if at that point, at that age, did that someone already know who they were going to be.

Now that she thought about it, it was like she had met this person too soon. If only, she met this person later, perhaps now, after she’d suffered some losses, messed things up, got lost, stuck her neck out, weathered, survived, bulked up and did not feel like a kid anymore. She felt like she was burning from within. She longed for someone who would absorb her presence. The extinguisher. Without her having to do a thing. Someone who would come to know her the way she was and like her.

She wondered how she would react if she actually met this person. Would she stare in bewilderment? She always thought that- 'that look of bewilderment' ran in her genes. Or may be stammer? Would she muster at least a flippant 'Hi'. And then, would they, in all likelihood, share an awkward and meaningless conversation, which quickly flounders after a hurried exchange of useless autobiographical facts. Or she might awaken her girly self with needless, incessant and nervous giggles, make faces, avoid eye contact and fidget. She used to do that often with that person. That she remembered. Would she be shocked and dying to disappear? And would that change things? May be then, perhaps never.

The sun was beginning to set. She closed her eyes - soaked in the sounds of the whispering autumn leaves as they rustled with the wind, stirring the stillness of her memories - real or imagined from a time long ago. She heard her phone ring. She kept her eyes closed and did not answer.

Posted by Super Ordinary 10:43 PM 0 comments Links to this post    

Labels: fiction

The Extinguisher - Part I
Sunday, November 08, 2009

The unusual warmth of the late autumn afternoon inspired a desire for coffee and strangers over her usual and pressing chores for the weekend. She was seated outside at the shop right across the park with her double latte. Being surrounded mostly by empty tables, she wondered if it was too early for coffee. But then, is there any specific time for coffee. Shortly, the place was seething with people. She smirked at how some people managed to appear overdressed and yet disheveled. May be it was an art, fashion perhaps. She never managed to get either. Although her friends have heard her remark that she always wanted to be in a coffee shop with her laptop and appear really busy, in reality, she enjoyed her eye orbits across the space around her watching people nerve-rackedly interneting. Sometimes, a book helped add an air of preoccupancy to her.

As she turned around, she saw a girl walk into the coffee shop- with her smart phone while chatting in a high pitched voice. To her, the girl represented everything that seems to preoccupy today's world. The world did seem to run on a virtual platform of connections. Social networking and status updates did seem to have an important role in the day to day lives of many people. She herself indulged in them at times, and at times self ridiculed her cognitive dissonance. She was very much aware of her constant oscillation from an unnatural obsession for being connected and an eccentric impulse to disconnect completely and shun the world. Her level of real connection was still based on emails or phone calls. She missed them. An occasional email or a call from an old friend usually made her day. Scraps and wall posts seemed contrived, but a good time-pass nevertheless. She could easily count from her memory- people she was 'connected to'- who will have a meaningful conversation with her if she were to meet them. Then why bother? Did the indulgence in an illusion that she was connected make her happy or was she disillusioned that she was disconnected? Suddenly, everyone around her made her feel isolated, mossy and replaced.

And, she had this instant urge to talk to someone. Someone-to whom she hasn’t talked to in ages. Someone with whom she seemed completely disconnected. No facebook, no emails, no calls, nothing. Someone with whom she was constantly attached to in ways she didn’t realize. Someone, who in all probability strived to erase that forever. Someone-from old times. Good times. With whom she used to have fun with, before having gone separate ways, as people did, people their age with their whole lives still ahead of them. But then, it didn’t seem that such a thing happened so long ago. She started scanning her memory. She wasn’t good at it though. She was looking through her looking glass. Not exactly a wonderland , but still. Her mind was filled with this motley of images, emails and messages. Not a single real memory. It was these images that connected her. She suddenly felt conscious of her surroundings. And then, her mind settled on someone.

Posted by Super Ordinary 4:53 PM 0 comments Links to this post    

Labels: fiction

Girls night out
Sunday, November 01, 2009

Halloween night was my first girls only night out in a very long time. In like 4-5 years. In the past, my girls only time had been with my college roommates in undergrad, which were always fun. This one, happening after a very long time with my new girl gang was equally memorable.

The plan was to go watch a movie, have a mexican dinner and get a glimpse of the debauchery at the Halloween parade.
For reasons that are always associated with girls planning to go out, trying to get ready, actually getting ready, driving and getting to where we were supposed to be, we had to skip the movie. There was no person from the other gender as the cribbing and driving force to accelerate the 'getting ready' process. Interestingly, although it was halloween night, all of us being the shy type decided to avoid costumes. We were dressed as dorkily as possible, that being close to our actual selves although we are in perpetual denial.

I was assigned to pick a spot for dinner and I had picked this really cool sounding Mexican place. When we eventually got there, we realized that we were totally out of place, although the bouncer agreed to let us in, if we would say something to justify our attire to fit in the costume party at the dinner place. We all gave a synchronized sheepish grin and decided to turn around. Having been blamed for the choice of the wrong place, I had to suggest another place where we could catch a peaceful meal without being out of place. We decided to drive all the way back to where we started to try this Italian place that my boss keeps raving about. Much to our dismay, we were too underdressed to get in to this place. At this point, one of the girls who had been fasting all day without a morsel of food was ready to pass out. The designated driver was freaking out about the parking or the possible lack thereof for the parade watching. And the oldest of all turned on the wisdom mode regarding correlations between a person's educational qualification and the (in)ability to fit in the society. And I was cranky and filled with dejavu.

Given there was no chance we would find parking, we had reconciled to walk 6 blocks. We force fed the starving gang member some candy only to make her too hyper. My patience for people was reaching its threshold with my hunger slowly crawling in. I wouldn't eat the sugary candies either and was struggling to restrain my temper and not snap at the slightest thing. We managed to walk the entire 6 blocks and were the only ones walking with seeming irreverence to the night. We had by then hiked up quite an hunger. Each quirky in our own way, we were in utter indecision on the choice of place to eat. I had given up and resigned to a night without a meal when the remaining three finally made up their mind.

Dinner was ok, atleast we fit in there, there was neither a costume theme nor a high browed one. We watched the parade begin as we ate on a table outside despite the chilly night. We spent some time, amusing ourselves people watching. Trying to guess who was dressed as who. We teamed together amongst ourselves and gave us points for the correct guesses. After dinner, we moved to indulge in some chocolate therapy across the street. We continued our guess game sitting outside sipping decadent unadulterated hot molten chocolate. The temperature outside was 37 F, and yet the people watching combined with our nerdy attires and warm chocolate made it totally worth sitting outside.

We walked on, chatted, discussed the night, paused, smiled, paused, giggled incessantly, then parted our ways for a good nights sleep.

I had found my long lost niche.

Posted by Super Ordinary 12:43 AM 0 comments Links to this post    

Labels: Fun

Line of Life
Saturday, October 31, 2009

Once upon a time, not so long ago, I woke up to an epiphany.
I realized that I am at an age young enough for the muscles to be mint-fresh for experimenting but also old enough to have developed and learnt fears. More than things like darkness or depth, I am afraid of enclosed empty spaces and people. Quite ironical. And then, I remember looking up into the sky and wondering,

How did I ever get here?

And like Bach says, the simplest questions are the most profound. With time, our answers to where is home, what we do or where we plan to go change. And I didn't have a good answer to the question how I am where I am right now.

And I began to muse, "Well..."

Posted by Super Ordinary 4:33 PM 0 comments Links to this post    

Labels: philosophy

Footloose and fancy free
Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Coming up- sort of travelogue. on my solo adventure My one-on-one time with the ocean, mountains and strangers :)
I am still writing that post amidst a busy schedule of cleaning, packing and moving.
Will update soon.

Posted by Super Ordinary 10:22 AM 0 comments Links to this post    

Events of the day
Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Sometime ago, someone asked me if I would give up on all the highs of the life, just so I don't have to experience the lows. I never gave an answer. I totally scared this person with my prolonged silence and curious smile. Makes me wonder- if you decide to give up on something, does it tend to come back to you? Has happened to me on many occasions. People, things, memories..Anyways, Nikki (my precious) is back in pristine shape. I had made up my mind on losing it when it seemed severely damaged a month ago.

The other story of the day is...hmm..I am Ph-inally D-one.

A week ago, our department's poster boy (half sheldon and half George Clooney) aka perfectly good looking nerd created so much drama during his thesis defense. All those tears and an ultimate climax with a kneel_down_ring proposal to his girlfriend..he would have given our own SRK a run for his money. While I really found it cheesy, many people totally digged it. Suckers for romance, I suppose. I really got a kick out of it. It was outrageously funny. But here is the irony. I thought, he did this, because of him being such a nerd, treating a defense as a ground for a marriage proposal! Interestingly, although my boss agreed it was funny, he thinks, me disapproving it, is quite nerdy. Hmmm. Perceptions, perceptions :)

Anyways last night at dinner, I assured him I wouldn't have any such drama at all, despite his and others' allegation that all girls cry and get choked up. When I denied any such behaviour was even remotely possible in my case, he asked me the same question that someone had asked. If I had given up all the highs in my life, just so I didn't have to experience the lows. My curious smile made this other member of the dinner party remark that this attitude was SO not girl like and that I was saving everything for some day or some one. The beast will be unleashed then. Ha ha. I was really amused.

Nevertheless, I did come up with some entertainment during the seminar. My personal ingenious ideas totally flopped big time thanks to me being totally freaked out and electronically challenged. I seem to lack absolute common sense with them. How on earth did I conceive the idea that I could use a wireless mouse as a remote to change slides. Actually it wasn't a bad idea. It worked at home. It just flopped at the seminar along with the stupid laser pointer. Someone pointed out later that the pointer was working, just that I had lost a sense of directionality. Perhaps it was my shaky hands. At one point, Pluto hung up. I really wanted to yell. Beneath that deceivingly stoic demeanor, I knew my PI knew that I was moments away from losing my cool. He was really amused. Anyways, it certainly lightened up the audience- my constant unintentional antics. In the end, I didn't get teary or choked up. I guess I won that way.

Finally, I am not sure I have cleared my Parents's heavy Doubts for my noncommittal attitude towards life still persists. I certainly have been on a journey of Personal hell Discovery, though my committee thinks I need an extra dose of bitterness, to appear more scientifically mature. After all that jazz, and being certified for Permanent head Damage, my PI's ever endearing secretary came up with my name as Dr. G, saving them the difficulty to twist around my name.

Very charming. I kind of like it :)

Posted by Super Ordinary 4:45 PM 3 comments Links to this post    

Berta-isms
Thursday, June 11, 2009

On a recent trip to divert my thesis writing experience, I went out on a purely photographic and culinary adventure travel over a weekend. The wanderlust in me has been planning this trip for over two years. I started panicking on missing out on it with the prospect of my move. So I took the risk of delaying my thesis stuff and ventured on the break.

Although, this trip turned out to be an excellent gastronomical experience that I will never forget (another future blog), the photography part of it was quite a let down. Thanks to the ever unpredictable Floridian weather. I lost my precious Nikon D70 to the tempestuous weather soon after I embarked on the photo expedition. Therefore, I do not have any photos and given my 'precious' (a gollumish tone is appropriate here) was not working, I wasnt too smiley anyways.

Disappointed with the start, I quickly overcame my loss (whatte surprise!) and decided that I needed some other means to compensate my short term memory loss (yes, I do suffer from a lot of memory related disorders). Plan A was to figure out a way to have the camcorder working. Did I tell you that there was no spare tape on hand to record? Having a vazhikaati (aka GPS) is so addictive I must say. So the hunt for the nearest Walmart began.

And on the way to Walmart, somehow the mind substituted a memory stick instead of a tape. See..I told you about my mind disorders. Anyways, the camcorder does have the memory stick slot and I guess my mind thought it was so much superior in technology in comparison to the old fashioned tape. There I was, staring at the electronics camera section looking at the zillion tiny memory thingies.

As I stared in confusion as which one to pick, the blue attired Berta look alike entered the scene. Just that moment, I had decided on the memory stick to buy with the help of another blue attired shop assistant. Although it said memory stick pro on it, it had the same symbol indicated in the slot in the camcorder. Therefore, the young assistant was confident it would work. So when our B asked me if I needed help, I declined. She wouldn't budge. So my first helper told her that I was looking for a memory stick and that I have found it. But then, B said that I made the wrong choice and that pro wouldnt work. But she never told me why it wouldn't work except that they were different and yet looked alike. Despite the young assistant's insistence that this would work, she continued to disagree. Moreover, she wouldn't let me buy at all with a characteristic Berta-ish smirk and signaled I head elsewhere in search of the memory stick. Yes, Walmart didn't have a memory stick. It only had pro. I cursed the entire service industry and moved on.

I seeked vazhi again and headed to Best Buy all the way to the other side of this unknown town. Best Buy also had only Pro and not stick. But, the assistant there told that pro will work and let me buy it. Finally. Or so I thought. I reached the car and decided to try it instantaneously. Lo and behold, the camcorder wouldn't recognize it at all. All it said was- memory full. I did not need any more frustrations for the day. I ran from the parking lot to the customer service counter. Aha..another Berta look alike stood there all smiley and patronizing. I politely expressed my concern. She gave the knowing smile and told me that the reason it did not work was because it was Pro. Despite having the same symbol, Pro is more advanced when compared to just the stick. The camcorder being an old model would not recognize new technology!

So much for my quest for new technology. I could have just bought tapes instead.

Her mocking smile reminded me so much of the Walmart B and the 'real' Berta and the classic Berta-ism from Two and a Half men-

Charlie: I don't pay you to mock me.
Berta: You'd have to pay me not to.


PS. Plan B: Buy a new camera. Why not tapes? Well, that's another story ;-)

Posted by Super Ordinary 6:01 PM 1 comments Links to this post